Our fave ranty raver and mother-of-two Michelle Harris ‘dislikes’ what the mighty Zuckerberg is up to
Facebook Billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is one contrary mo-fo. When it comes to what is/isn’t OK on Facebook, it’s harder to follow his line of logic than it is to get the image of David Cameron putting his winkie in a dead pig’s mouth out of your head.
Videos of animal cruelty and human beheadings ‘do not violate community standards’, but breastfeeding photographs are bang out of order. Cute snaps of a toddler on the nip; not cool, my friend. A button designed to let you ‘dislike’ a post, a function to allow you to say ‘that’s shit’ and then leave with no further explanation, a tool that leaves people wide open to trolling and cyber-bullying…well, it’s on its way.
Up until now, your options when you see something you dislike on Facebook have been a) judge and mutter, and move on b) unfriend/unfollow/hide from your timeline, or c) have a word. Soon, If you’re too chicken for c), you’ll have a ready made ‘I judge this but I don’t need to articulate why’ function.
I dislike this.
Not just because it is an obvious way in which to belittle or bully someone, but also because in certain scenarios I’d much rather people actually told other people when they posted something prickish.
Zuckerberg reckons the dislike button will be for use when someone posts bad news, a way in which to show your sympathy, in situations where a ‘like’ is inappropriate. Erm, hello? Whatever happened to, you know, words?!
Token McFacebooker’s Facebook status reads “has had a terrible day after stubbing my toe, having the dog put down, and being subjected to an episode of Celebrity Big Brother”. I am not lamenting the lack of a button to click. I am typing my best regards and commiserating over the crap hand today has dealt poor Token. And RIP Rover.
Buttons instead of words and thoughts and feelings may be a depressing glimpse of the future, but one has to admit it saves time and effort. So Zuckerberg, pin your lugholes back and listen: these are the functions Facebook really needs.
We need a ‘YOU RACIST’ button for everyone who shares anything by Britain First. We need a ‘STOP READING THIS’ button for anyone who shares anything from the Daily Mail. We need a ‘GROW A BRAIN’ button for anyone who shares those shitty ‘inspirational’ memes with all the rogue apostrophes. And for anyone who posts the mind-breakingly horrendous This Is What My Name Means nonsense, Zuckerberg’s minions need to invent a button that allows a fist to come through your smart phone and punch you in the effing face.
It should be possible to initiate an attention-seeker filter for all those who check in at hospitals with the status ‘so worried’ and then only respond to worried comments with “I’ll inbox you babes” and hourly crying emojis. Bored of soppy lovelife related updates? Flick a switch and, poof! Gone. PDA blocker. Brilliant.
In retaliation to mum-bores like myself, who insist on sharing photos of the offspring and quips about family life, you crazy cool hipster types could have an ‘I’m too fucking cool for this’ button that allows you to continue being all edgy and angsty without interruptions from my small humans rocking out at the soft play. Zuckerberg, you are so missing a trick, mate.
Let’s do this, Facebook. Why stop at a dislike button? Let’s allow people the functionality to block anything that they don’t want to see, to pass judgment on one another via buttons and symbols until they forget entirely how to interact with one another. Why should we accept that sometimes people are just different from us? Why should we have to actually tell people what we think? That’s too much effort. That’s too hard. Let’s just validate our existences with how many people click various buttons. Better a ‘dislike’ than a ‘couldn’t be bothered’, right?
(If you could all just press ‘Like’ below when you’re finished reading this, I’d be ever so grateful.)