From Queen Bey to Daddy Pig, we all need to take a dump. There is literally no beating around the unruly bush here – when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go and it’s so nice to know there’s this common denominator across mankind. (If someone is ever being a prune to you, just imagine them on that porcelain chalice and all harmony will be restored).
So to training the urchin up for the main event. How to go from nappies to bog without any catastrophic/ traumatic spillages along the way? I am no parental pro and am basing these tips on my own experience – a solid 33 years – of using a toilet. From wazz to flush, here’s how I got the life spawn to go with the flow:
Don’t use complex language like ‘it’s good to not to poo your pants’. Dangle the carrot: “if you don’t poo in your pants you get three orange M&M’s”. Literally worked a treat. (I’m still using this principle on myself after a jolly night out on the Aperol Spritzes.)
Power play is a biggie here. No kid wants to actually be a kid. Elevate her/him to parent and tell them to show their mangled favourite toy how to hit the potty jackpot. “You show Tilly the dinosaur how to go on the potty. Silly Tilly not wiping her bottom. Tilly is such a baby – show Tilly how to treat that porcelain chalice with respect.” Meanwhile you can recline with a cuppa knowing Tilly and the urchin are self-pottying with aplomb.
Love is all around
We’ve all been in a situation when a partner has sleep walked and started peeing into a wardrobe (or some other domestic receptacle that isn’t a toilet). So we must keep in mind that accidents happen – even at the tender age of 33. Any hollering or furrowed brows from your side when your kid misses the target won’t help with bog training. A bosomy hug, quick change of the under crackers and a reminder of the burgeoning M&M stock will get you back on track. (Still works a treat with my other half).
Roll with it
Those prized bum cheeks (we call them the bongos – each to their own) deserve a premium bog roll. (Noone enjoys chaffing in that arena). If you splash out on anything, surely it’s got to be on a clean, soft sweep for those little hillocks? Our bog roll of choice (a sentence I never imagined penning but am delighted to be revealing) is Cushelle – strong and soft-to-the-touch with cushiony micropockets, the wipe on this roll is like no other. It’s like taking a goose down duvet to your undercarriage and when it comes to my kid, only the best will do. Just roll with it team.
Think outside the bog. Their little bladders can’t always cope with chugging back the orange squash. So if they need to go and there’s no bog/potty to hand, don’t be afraid of going a bit rural – any tree or nearby park is a good enough peeing ground. Relinquish control and accept that you might be ‘watering the flowers’ with your kid in the drizzling rain, wondering how your life choices came to this – but very glad that they did.