Bloomin’ rubbish

bloomin-rubbish

“I cried, I actually cried. I’m not a crier”. While bawling about everything is pretty standard for a new Mum post-splash down (I once found myself holding a pineapple in Tescos; one solitary tear running down my face), it’s not the first time I’ve heard this from a friend after sending a Don’t Buy Her Flowers package.

Set up by Steph Douglas, this is a company that eschews the go-to flowers for packages of chocolates, gin, beauty condiments and food vouchers – the stuff new mother’s dreams are made of. Begone babygros, adios wilting peonies, this is for you; the one who hoofed an urchin out.

From one mother to another, flowers are lovely but when you’re wearing a gargantuan maxi pad and have liquid flooding out of every orifice, they’re bloomin’ rubbish. Here’s why:

  1. You can’t see. Like, it’s all a proper blur.
  2. You can only just keep a human alive, let alone a flower.
  3. You can’t eat flowers.
  4. You can’t drink flowers.
  5. You can’t ask flowers how the human works.
  6. Flowers are a constant reminder of the outside world.
  7. Noone owns ten vases.
  8. Flowers make you think of those people on Instagram who have time to arrange, photograph and keep flowers alive.
    Flowers die.
  9. Then they look sad.
  10. Then you look sad.
  11. Then they smell like an old man’s boot.
  12. Sellophane, thorns, poisonous sachets.
  13. Flowers aren’t gin.

Packages start at £21, to order go here.

Anna Whitehouse

Founder of Mother Pukka, Anna Whitehouse likes super hero cape-making classes and dislikes the naming of celebrity couples (TomKat, Brange etc.) She tries (and often fails) to parent the shit out of life.

MOST POPULAR

quote

Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

mother-pukka-logo.svg
quote

RELATED
  • Blog
ARTICLES

Angry bird

Angry bird

02-12-2015
Bricking it

Bricking it

12-09-2015
Too cool for school

Too cool for school

29-09-2017
Go compare

Go compare

11-03-2016
Bump in the road

Bump in the road

06-01-2017
Power to the flower

Power to the flower

06-03-2017

EDITOR'S PICK

Private: No access

Private: No access

27-04-2018
Porn free

Porn free

19-01-2017
Miscarriage of (in)justice

Miscarriage of (in)justice

24-03-2016
Work it baby

Work it baby

08-06-2017