“I cried, I actually cried. I’m not a crier”. While bawling about everything is pretty standard for a new Mum post-splash down (I once found myself holding a pineapple in Tescos; one solitary tear running down my face), it’s not the first time I’ve heard this from a friend after sending a Don’t Buy Her Flowers package.
Set up by Steph Douglas, this is a company that eschews the go-to flowers for packages of chocolates, gin, beauty condiments and food vouchers – the stuff new mother’s dreams are made of. Begone babygros, adios wilting peonies, this is for you; the one who hoofed an urchin out.
From one mother to another, flowers are lovely but when you’re wearing a gargantuan maxi pad and have liquid flooding out of every orifice, they’re bloomin’ rubbish. Here’s why:
- You can’t see. Like, it’s all a proper blur.
- You can only just keep a human alive, let alone a flower.
- You can’t eat flowers.
- You can’t drink flowers.
- You can’t ask flowers how the human works.
- Flowers are a constant reminder of the outside world.
- Noone owns ten vases.
- Flowers make you think of those people on Instagram who have time to arrange, photograph and keep flowers alive.
- Then they look sad.
- Then you look sad.
- Then they smell like an old man’s boot.
- Sellophane, thorns, poisonous sachets.
- Flowers aren’t gin.
Packages start at £21, to order go here.