Nanny State

nanny-state

This week, our anonymous nanny opens up about Token Man, the only guy at the school gates. Consider this your nanny cam into the world of the West London elite. Dare we say, ‘XOXO’?

So I arrived dishevelled, running late and fresh out of coffee to collect the youngest two of Token Man’s girls for a play date in the park. He answers the door looking equally chaotic and kinda sexy. And he knows it. He also hasn’t got dressed. Think Jack Wills clobber with enough stubble to say, ‘this face doesn’t need to try’.

“Sorry I haven’t had a moment to myself yet,” he drawls, while flapping his T-shirt, just exposing his toned torso & chest hair. I’m shuffled or dragged by the excitable girls into their enormous kitchen where Mrs TM is busy making peanut butter sandwiches for the day ahead.

“That’s OK, I’ve only just got out of bed too.”

“Shagging senseless all night were you?”

Erm. So many things inappropriate about this question. Firstly, its really early in the morning for any kind of sex talk, secondly your wife and kids are right there. Literally THERE. She doesn’t bat an eyelid, clearly ignoring him or maybe that’s why she is so delicately cutting those crusts with a glistening chef’s knife.

I’m no prude but I’m not going to divulge my sexual behaviour to someone I barely know. Not that there’s anything – it distresses me to reveal this – to talk about anyway. He knows he’s made me feel uncomfortable. Token Man has made it clear on several drunken occasions to me at Picpoul’s house that if he were single ‘he so would’. Charmer.

Married guys always use the pretence, “if I wasn’t married” to hide all the naughty thoughts they are going to divulge to you anyway. It makes them feel less guilty. I’m not going to lie I probably would too. But then that would make me a bad person, so I’ll edge graciously away from that thought.

In reply to his question and to lighten the mood I mutter a jolly, “if only” and collect the girl’s Barbies and lunch boxes with the frenzied dedication of a starved mosquito so I can scarper away from an atmosphere that is wrought with marital tension and sexual unrest.

This isn’t the first time a married man has enjoyed a brazen flirt from the comfort of his own home (and in the comfort of his own PJs). Maybe they need someone to make them feel desirable again whilst their busy suffering wives deal with all the humdrum of family-min. I think Token Man just loves to boost his already over inflated ego. It’s harmless. But clearly his flirtations have been taken seriously by some of the other women from the school to give him the confidence boost to keep blundering on.

But that’s for another time.

For now I’ll leave you with this: just before I headed off, he reached up for a coffee mug (they were on the lower shelves), allowing his PJs (bold check, probably worn since he was 18 when the chicks really digged him) to gently slip down, subtly hinting at a perfectly pert derriere – the sort that could crack chestnuts with ease. It was done in the manner of coquettish housewife in a 50s porno. He’d no doubt be gutted to hear it was all humourous, with limited horniness.

It seems the kids aren’t the only ones who need to grow up.

Anna Whitehouse

Founder of Mother Pukka, Anna Whitehouse likes super hero cape-making classes and dislikes the naming of celebrity couples (TomKat, Brange etc.) She tries (and often fails) to parent the shit out of life.

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Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

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