I used to be the vice editor of Time Out Amsterdam. It was a journalistic underworld of boobies and butt plugs that had me reporting on (not participating in) sex parties, tantric yoga sessions and, most importantly, hand job workshops. While the rest is irrelevant in my newfound parental realms, I thought it time to re-publish my review of Amsterdam’s Hand Job Workshop at Mail + Female.
It’s, perhaps backward to suggest we should buckle down and thrap away on our partner’s behalf with no return. But I have found some of the techniques listed below work just as well on a highly-charged nipple. Ultimately as a knackered parent, it’s all hands on deck/ dick/ nip and anything that can boost the love bank deserves to be aired. All’s well that ends well, no?
Here she is:
The sea of flesh-coloured dildos scattered across the tables at erotic women’s shop Mail & Female was the first indication that this was going to be a truly ‘hands on’ lesson. The female-friendly sex shop hosts monthly erotic technique classes for a couple of dozen young professional women, who typically gather on a Thursday night and pay €30 for the privilege of perfecting their bedroom skills. At Cora Emens’ ‘hand job’ workshop, the white board at the front of the ‘classroom’, showing a medical diagram of the penis, gave the one-room shop that’s otherwise replete with butt plugs, nipple tassels and gargantuan vibrators a deceptively scholastic vibe.
‘Women so often go straight to oral,’ said Emens, a 1.5m blonde bombshell, by way of introduction to the two-hour course. Emens made her name on RTL4’s TV programme ‘Beter in Bed’ and she’s also married to Shai Shahar, one of the Netherlands’ most famous former gigolos (he’s now a jazz singer), so one has to assume she knows a thing or two about getting a man aroused.
‘Oral is easier but hand jobs are equally important,’ she continued, as she slathered her dildo masterfully with Eros Bodyglide lube and gestured for her eager 20-strong class to follow suit. We all took this moment to pick up our new toys.
Her first task was to whip us into shape. Once the childish mumbling had subsided, Emens asked us to hold it as if it was part of our anatomy, to just start having a ‘go’ with it. The ages of students ranged from 18 to 57, with many immaculately suited and booted after a day in the office or dressed like they were about to dine with their beaus. Guffaws ensued before Emens, watching us from behind bifocals, asked in a matronly tone for us ‘to sit down and listen to teacher’.
‘So, we’re basically coming at it from the wrong angle,’ she explained.
‘Firstly, we need to see how a guy does it – because, let’s face it, he’s been perfecting the technique all his life – so we can learn from that and try and adapt our technique.’
The group’s concentration was palpable as we all pumped away, occasionally glancing up towards our master for guidance. ‘Am I supposed to use the whole thing or just the top?’ asked Marjolein, a lawyer from an elite law firm and, for this moment, a keen student of wanking.
‘Contrary to popular belief, the whole penis doesn’t need to be in contact with your hand for a man to come,’ answered Emens, who studied sex coaching under esteemed US sex therapist Betty Dodson in New York before setting up Cora Emens’ Sex Consultancy in her Dutch homeland 15 years ago. ‘Focus on just the tip, making sure you have a firm, two-fingered circular grip and a limp wrist,’ she said. ‘Swing your hand up and down, building up the speed until he comes all over your face.’ The troupe, initially quite shy and overwhelmed by the whole experience, was now high on Emens’ energy and whooped as if she’d just said ‘free cookies for all!’
Next, she walked us through one of her special techniques, the ‘clock’, a repeated rotation of a flaccid penis from the 12 o’clock position to the six o’clock position. This allegedly gets the blood pumping, which in turn gives a rock hard erection and an intense orgasm (just make sure you stop this movement once he’s erect). If I ignored the lashings of lube and penis eye staring back at me, it felt like I was winding up an old grandfather clock.
‘The thing to remember,’ continued Emens, ‘is that you need to take all these different moves and try them out until you find your groove – what is right for one penis may not be right for another.’ As Emens took a hearty swig of Prosecco and wiped off her lubricated digits, she pointed to the anus on her diagram. ‘Now that’s a whole different lesson.’
Here’s some of Cora’s handy moves:
The double: clasp both hands together and rub up and down the entire shaft
The corkscrew: Grab the penis and rotate your hand around the shaft in a smooth movement
The quickie: With a two-fingered grip slide up and down the tip increasing speed
The claw: Fingers first, allow your entire hand to run over the penis repeatedly
The squeeze: With your thumb and index finger squeeze the sides of the penis along the shaft at two centimetre intervals
The clock: With your entire hand rotate the flaccid penis from 12am to 6pm until it hardens
To find out more about Mail & Female’s workshops or to book call +31 (0)20 6233916. Sessions are in Dutch and English.
Credit: Time Out Amsterdam
