It started as a flicker and then went into a pneumatic throb. The eye twitch is the parental badge of honour – it says ‘you did it, you are awake and vaguely doing human things on 32 minutes of sleep [insert infinite clapping hand emoticons].’
But you are not OK. You need someone to take the urchin off your hands for just 29 minutes so you can wet wipe yourself down and join the dots on your face with foundation/ masking tape. That brief glimmer of time is as important as genning-up on weaning foods, working out how your nipple (or nipple teat) actually works and pondering if the word mammary/ udder could, in fact, be re-brainstormed.
Cue MILK beauty – a mobile beauty service for time-poor, knackered parents in need of massive hug/ massage/ pedicure/ fanny wax in the comfort of their homes. The tag line is ‘beauty that delivers’; sold. If you’re literally falling apart at the seams (the seams were abandoned entirely three weeks into project procreation), or just fancy a bit of TLC in your own abode without having to remove those ragged jogging bottoms from 1996, this is the number to call. Literally, I’ll give you the number now, so you can engrave it on your phone: 020 8525 8991.
Don’t waste any more time on my blatherings, get on the blower and give yourself some welcome respite from the parental storm. Got a newborn? Boob/bottle feed him or her into a milky slumber and face plant the massage table for 30 minutes or so. Struggle with overflowing Fem-Bot boobs, go for a neck massage, so you can sit up and keep those puppies out in the open. Toddler having a post Easter Egg sugar meltdown? Opt for a pedicure and get him or her to offer up the same service on Mike from Monster’s Inc. (or whatever else is your kid’s toy lifeline). Remember: kids are adults trapped in small bodies and sometimes to presence of a stranger asking them to do something has more impact than when you set up a glitter-embellished craft table for them to tantrum in the face of.
But that’s also the good thing about MILK – the amazingly friendly therapists don’t feel like strangers. It’s like having a mate round for a cuppa if you ignore the stripping down to your knickers and slobbering into the sofa with wild blissful abandon.
Whether you’re crying into your sodden breast pads, simply need a pep-up/ bush coiff while your kid naps or looking to ease off that pesky eye twitch, it’s time to properly milk it.
If you can’t even put one foot in front of the other, let alone dial a number, just sign up for the monthly MILK beauty subscription and let the happy eye-twitch-free times roll. That’s two 30-minute treatments delivered to your door once a month for £65. Happy, happy days.